You k...

You know you're an alcoholic.....when you're drinking champagne alone and really fucking enjoying it!!!!! Oh my God--I'm listening to Manou Chao with candles lit and I just feel oh so grooovy....This is really sad--I just read what I wrote above and I had to correct like five typing errors in only two sentences:):):)So I was like, remembering a New Year's Eve party a few years ago...and I was like, Wow--that champagne stuff is really fun, and then I thought to myself---why don't you like, go to the store or something and buy some of that wicked shit....J/KAnd here I am typing on my lonely computer and it's okay--in fact, it's reallllly fun right now.So at this party I remember being with my friend Sallee amongst a bunch of art--fags who I didn't know and were way too pretentious at that.Well I was super uncomfortable and I decided I would have a little baby glass of wine. Well of course I had like three little bambinos instead--and then I blacked out for a while.I woke to find myself dancing in the kitchen to a James Brown collection that just must have been on repeat.I danced all night by myself and I had the best damn time you could imagine.People came and they went--dancing and feeling the vibe too--but that night it stayed by my side for a long while and I just went where it lead.And so tonight I almost wish I had some James here in my little living room.But Manou Chao will definitely do.It is the funnest music ever--a big Latino Francoise party on the rooftops of Spain or Paris or wherever the hell.Today I spent some time considering going into the nursing business:):).I guess they have these contracts that you can sign and if you promise to work in a particular hospital for a few years they will pay for your schooling.Well what's the damn difference between committing myself to a hospital job for two years and working the god-damn awful job I'm in now(scandalous as hell) for a near two years. Once it's over with I can be a nurse in Australia or africa or wherever the hell I want.They pay you to travel where they need you and put you up in condos and everything else.The only roadblock would be my kitties--but I'm sure mommy would watch them for a few months.I wish I was in fucking Jamaica right now--drunk swimming in a waterfall fucking some beautiful specimen.Yah!!!!! Or salsa dancing in Brazil at Carnival.....Or doing the tango in Argentina.....or laying on some cold kitchen floor tiles....or sitting in the claw--foot bath tub that I don't have with some Jasmine thrown in....or getting my face painted like a clown.my fingers want to dance right now.typing has become a recital of sorts.....I bought these two belts today.One is red and has all of these different colored threads in it--it looks awesome with frayed blue jeans--sooo layed back:):):) So Mexicano....Tres Chic...Anyway--Idon't normally wear belts..but I never realized how much they can fucking make an outfit.You can dress so minimally if you only have the proper belt.Why didn't my girlfriends enlighten me on this issue before????What is wrong with those crazy girls????This entry I'm sure is very silllly--but oh well,what the helllla.I really feel like I should be in a parade right now with some outrageous mask on.I want to be a sexy incognito and just fucking lead on a bunch of rancheros--whatever the hell that means.My hair smells like coconut allover.Yummy--I keep getting whiffs of myself and it's lovely.Wish I was getting whiffs of Patchouli right now:):)My life is good.I have been protected and granted so many freakin blessings.There is no excuse for the sadness that I have felt in my life.Maybe I just lost the focus.The focus is that I need to take advantage of this time that I am given.Why don't we fucking take advantage of it instead of whinining about what we don't have.HUH?????????????????????????????????????????????????????It seems like everybody is stuck inside of their own self-concocted unreal world where they were let down or didn't have their way or blah de blah de blah.But who the hell cares--why don't we just fucking enjoyyyy....I could be some old woman in a nursing home right now being neglected with bed-sores and smelling of rottenness..my brain gone..no cognizance of who I was in this life.I could be a christian who night after night prays for release from this hell of a world..who prays to be killed and given heaven. But I am a young vital woman with a healthy--ass body and s fucking sharp mind and peolple who love me and I'm alive and I know who I am and I'm like a tiger lingering behind the brush.....waiting for something to attach my passion to. When I do...watch out world--cause I'm too damn lucky to squander this chance.These words are my way of praying.I need to pray more often--as un-cool as that may sound.But fuck that-- it's not about God or church or establishment or corrupt catholic priests--it's about feeling grateful for having been given the SPARK SPARK SPARK which is life.No fucking more and no the fuck less.I am here and so are you and you and you.We are here--let's use it.Let's do it and I don't mean in the Nike sort of way:):):)Now it's time to change the music.I can see that the computer is going to be my companion tonight.What a modern companion I have.So I'm glad that I'm single and free. The world is my god-damned oyster, you know.I have no attachment to speak of.DETOUR------I feel very tactile right now.WISH I COULD TOUCH SOMEONE.Someone in particular--the one that rocks my tiny little world. The one who tells the hurtful truth.My present inspiration......I'm all lit up with nowhere to go.So I guess I'll go INSIDE. SOOOO cheesy, I know.I'm such a corny damn girl.I can't help my damn self.I love to laugh and be dorky.Dorkiness is rebellion.What does everyone try so hard to remain...take a guess?????.....CONTAINED.CONTAINED....don't let anyone see who you REALLY are.God for fucking bid:):):) Myself included of course.But that is why silliness is so fun....it is rebellion.Laughter is a "Fuck You" of sorts, isn't it.So now I'm listening to Belly.It thinking of my friend who says that this album reminds her of her past.It's a great album--very passionate.She says that she doesn't trust easily.Too bad.Too bad that we all don't trust easily.Give eachother credit and be kind to oneanother instead of jealous and confused and skeptical.Why can't we all just be high on Champagne all of the time???:):)I miss loving someone and being loved back.I don't miss being an object of possession but I miss the love.As long as it's not fear.When it's pure and when it's good.It's soooo good.But I guess I need to love myself like that instead of waiting for someone outside of myself to fill the void.MUSIC is all that matters.Soon I will retire from this mental endeavor and sing my fucj=king hearrt out.Music can be so heartbreaking in such a fucking awesome way.To feel fully....to let go...to be involved in pure emotion.My thoughts went from light to heavy in the change of a CD.Oh..Gepetto is here...more lightness.Miss everyone...miss myself sometimes.... Out the window backwords.....