Here's a good on...

Here's a good one:When death comeslike the hungry bear in autumn;when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purseto buy me, and snaps the purse shut....I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood...and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular...and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.When it's over, I want to say:all my lifeI was a bride married to amazement.I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms..... --Mary Oliver-- I just love this one because it suggests that we replace our fear with wonder. Instead of imagining how terrible we think death might be--we may open our minds to being surprised.We open ourselves to the unknown and the notion that curiosity is the stuff that courage is made of.If you go into a situation with a presupposed thought of what it will be then that forms a self-fulfilling prophecy--but to allow yourself to see what happens along the way,without all of the judgement and arrogance that comes with assumption--that is the way to be.No wasting of precious time--only open hands that are willing to receive the balance of experiences that life offers. It's also nice to picture myself as a simple daisy amongst many daisies looking to oneanother with smiles on our faces and crinkles in our eyes.We are not alone--although we like to believe that we are all of the time.I think it makes a person feel special and validated to think that they are not understood or that their pain is unique to humanity.Well--keep on dreaming, dreamer....this is a great way to be disconnected.Not to say that each of us doesn't experience things that are unique to our spirit--simply to say that no one is of more intrinsic worth than anyone else--and pain is pain.I like this thought.It gives me the power of my own identity and at the same time is expansive because it connects me to other life(animal and vegetal too:):)

Feel groggy ...

Feel groggy as hell.Went out last night and stayed out very late--today I have been pretty worthless.It is so hot outside--there is no way I see myself getting around sweating my ass off in my non-airconditioned car.Listening to Mandalay--kind of weepy but so pretty and soothing.Music for me lately has been like the embrace of a loved one. Guess I have nothing too deep to say at the moment.Lack of momentum!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well--I suppose there must be dormant days too:)

You k...

You know you're an alcoholic.....when you're drinking champagne alone and really fucking enjoying it!!!!! Oh my God--I'm listening to Manou Chao with candles lit and I just feel oh so grooovy....This is really sad--I just read what I wrote above and I had to correct like five typing errors in only two sentences:):):)So I was like, remembering a New Year's Eve party a few years ago...and I was like, Wow--that champagne stuff is really fun, and then I thought to myself---why don't you like, go to the store or something and buy some of that wicked shit....J/KAnd here I am typing on my lonely computer and it's okay--in fact, it's reallllly fun right now.So at this party I remember being with my friend Sallee amongst a bunch of art--fags who I didn't know and were way too pretentious at that.Well I was super uncomfortable and I decided I would have a little baby glass of wine. Well of course I had like three little bambinos instead--and then I blacked out for a while.I woke to find myself dancing in the kitchen to a James Brown collection that just must have been on repeat.I danced all night by myself and I had the best damn time you could imagine.People came and they went--dancing and feeling the vibe too--but that night it stayed by my side for a long while and I just went where it lead.And so tonight I almost wish I had some James here in my little living room.But Manou Chao will definitely do.It is the funnest music ever--a big Latino Francoise party on the rooftops of Spain or Paris or wherever the hell.Today I spent some time considering going into the nursing business:):).I guess they have these contracts that you can sign and if you promise to work in a particular hospital for a few years they will pay for your schooling.Well what's the damn difference between committing myself to a hospital job for two years and working the god-damn awful job I'm in now(scandalous as hell) for a near two years. Once it's over with I can be a nurse in Australia or africa or wherever the hell I want.They pay you to travel where they need you and put you up in condos and everything else.The only roadblock would be my kitties--but I'm sure mommy would watch them for a few months.I wish I was in fucking Jamaica right now--drunk swimming in a waterfall fucking some beautiful specimen.Yah!!!!! Or salsa dancing in Brazil at Carnival.....Or doing the tango in Argentina.....or laying on some cold kitchen floor tiles....or sitting in the claw--foot bath tub that I don't have with some Jasmine thrown in....or getting my face painted like a clown.my fingers want to dance right now.typing has become a recital of sorts.....I bought these two belts today.One is red and has all of these different colored threads in it--it looks awesome with frayed blue jeans--sooo layed back:):):) So Mexicano....Tres Chic...Anyway--Idon't normally wear belts..but I never realized how much they can fucking make an outfit.You can dress so minimally if you only have the proper belt.Why didn't my girlfriends enlighten me on this issue before????What is wrong with those crazy girls????This entry I'm sure is very silllly--but oh well,what the helllla.I really feel like I should be in a parade right now with some outrageous mask on.I want to be a sexy incognito and just fucking lead on a bunch of rancheros--whatever the hell that means.My hair smells like coconut allover.Yummy--I keep getting whiffs of myself and it's lovely.Wish I was getting whiffs of Patchouli right now:):)My life is good.I have been protected and granted so many freakin blessings.There is no excuse for the sadness that I have felt in my life.Maybe I just lost the focus.The focus is that I need to take advantage of this time that I am given.Why don't we fucking take advantage of it instead of whinining about what we don't have.HUH?????????????????????????????????????????????????????It seems like everybody is stuck inside of their own self-concocted unreal world where they were let down or didn't have their way or blah de blah de blah.But who the hell cares--why don't we just fucking enjoyyyy....I could be some old woman in a nursing home right now being neglected with bed-sores and smelling of rottenness..my brain gone..no cognizance of who I was in this life.I could be a christian who night after night prays for release from this hell of a world..who prays to be killed and given heaven. But I am a young vital woman with a healthy--ass body and s fucking sharp mind and peolple who love me and I'm alive and I know who I am and I'm like a tiger lingering behind the brush.....waiting for something to attach my passion to. When I do...watch out world--cause I'm too damn lucky to squander this chance.These words are my way of praying.I need to pray more often--as un-cool as that may sound.But fuck that-- it's not about God or church or establishment or corrupt catholic priests--it's about feeling grateful for having been given the SPARK SPARK SPARK which is life.No fucking more and no the fuck less.I am here and so are you and you and you.We are here--let's use it.Let's do it and I don't mean in the Nike sort of way:):):)Now it's time to change the music.I can see that the computer is going to be my companion tonight.What a modern companion I have.So I'm glad that I'm single and free. The world is my god-damned oyster, you know.I have no attachment to speak of.DETOUR------I feel very tactile right now.WISH I COULD TOUCH SOMEONE.Someone in particular--the one that rocks my tiny little world. The one who tells the hurtful truth.My present inspiration......I'm all lit up with nowhere to go.So I guess I'll go INSIDE. SOOOO cheesy, I know.I'm such a corny damn girl.I can't help my damn self.I love to laugh and be dorky.Dorkiness is rebellion.What does everyone try so hard to remain...take a guess?????.....CONTAINED.CONTAINED....don't let anyone see who you REALLY are.God for fucking bid:):):) Myself included of course.But that is why silliness is so fun....it is rebellion.Laughter is a "Fuck You" of sorts, isn't it.So now I'm listening to Belly.It thinking of my friend who says that this album reminds her of her past.It's a great album--very passionate.She says that she doesn't trust easily.Too bad.Too bad that we all don't trust easily.Give eachother credit and be kind to oneanother instead of jealous and confused and skeptical.Why can't we all just be high on Champagne all of the time???:):)I miss loving someone and being loved back.I don't miss being an object of possession but I miss the love.As long as it's not fear.When it's pure and when it's good.It's soooo good.But I guess I need to love myself like that instead of waiting for someone outside of myself to fill the void.MUSIC is all that matters.Soon I will retire from this mental endeavor and sing my fucj=king hearrt out.Music can be so heartbreaking in such a fucking awesome way.To feel fully....to let go...to be involved in pure emotion.My thoughts went from light to heavy in the change of a CD.Oh..Gepetto is here...more lightness.Miss everyone...miss myself sometimes.... Out the window backwords.....

Tonight I'm thin...

Tonight I'm thinking about magic. Can it possibly be gone from my life and my thoughts??? I remember as a little girl I surrounded myself with unicorns.My dad used to work at the mall and every once in a while he would bring me a unicorn of some sort.It may be made of pewter, of crystal, of porcelain, of stone.Whatever it was, I cherished each one and they lived together having some sort of dialogue with oneanother as they rested on my dresser. When I look at pictures of myself as a baby--I was always so joyful.I smiled and smiled and smiled.I was always draped across some piece of furniture leisurely or sitting in the yard with my dog Kellie.I can't even remember what it was like to be me then.I don't have many memories of that time.I only start to remember things when they began to be difficult for me.I remember being the shy, timid one amongst friends.I was always afraid that I was stupid or unworthy.My truest memory starts here.Why I felt this way I have no clue.It obviously perpetuated itself because as soon as kids find out that another kid isn't confident--they go straight for the kill. It must have been the way I doubted myself or the bad thoughts I was having.I was so guilt-filled.So when I say where has the magic gone??? I mean where has it been all my life and why can't I find the pure me that existed before it was ever concerned too much with itself or with others.I suppose it's up to me to kindle this within myself.It seems that mostly life is just a mirror of what we are feeling on the inside anyway.Well--I'm tired of being presumptuous and assuming that my life will be barren and painful.It seems that at some point I just accepted this for myself.This is not what I want.I want to be surprised and to not be cut off from enchantment and magic and mystery. Truly life is mysterious.Can any of us say that we can see where the road is headed and mean it??? I will to laugh more, to enjoy more, to be super--duper easy on myself all of the time and to be compassionate towards others. I will to eat sumptuous meals and dance when I want to and not be afraid to fail or to fall.I vow to take risks. I pray that my spirit no longer feel like a deflated tire but be as light as a child's.I will pray for this until I slowly start to feel the weight being lifted from me.I'll do the best I can to lift the weight that I have consciously and sub-consciously thrust upon myself. "There is a story of a man named Nan-jung Chu who went to visit the Taoist sage Lao Tsu in hopes of finding some solution to his worries. When he appeared, Lao Tsu promptly inquired,"Why did you come with all this crowd of people?" The man whirled around in astonishment to see if there was someone standing behind him.Needless to say, there was not; the "crowd of people" that he came with was the baggage of old ideas, the conventional concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, life and death, that he lugged about with him wherever he went" --Chuang Tzu-- This is good.I do cling to the residue of society's impression on me. But what I've noticed lately is that because I am a hyper-analytical sort of person(the kind that can never seem to escape her thoughts)--the best medicine for me is physicality. When I can connect with my body, it takes me outside of my head for a while.This is particularly useful when I am pushing myself to the limits and I am approaching pain.Today I took a long, long bikeride against a very unforgiving off-shore wind. As I was struggling to get over the bridge, I kept reminding myself to take it little by little at my own pace--and I made it.I wasn't thinking about my purpose in life at that moment--I was experiencing life.So maybe the best cure for the thinker is good old fashioned exercise.If you sit in a chair reading books all day long eventually mold is going to start growing all over you.But if you marinate in the sun's energy for a while--your leaves will perk up and start growing upward instead of drooping listlessly.Strike the balance.

Watched the m...

Watched the movie "Iris" tonight.It is about a successful female novelist who devotes her life to ideas and language but in older age develops alsheimer's disease.The movie shows the slow deterioration of her mind up to the point where she has no lucidity at all.It is a very good movie for people in general to see I think because it makes you confront existence on a number of different levels. First off--I have never seen this happen to someone up close.My grandmother is at the beginning stages but she lives far away and when I talk to her she is still pretty clear--she just is more forgetful than usual.It was truly unbelievable how progressively Iris became a blank slate.Once she had so much life force and passion and then she becomes someone who stares at walls and is unable to make a single correlation between anything.It made me wonder where the soul lies.It was like her soul was taken from her yet her body was still alive and well.Are we simply our brains??? I don't like to believe this is true but what then of consciousness??? Did she go to another place??? This movie has definitely made me question where the spirit lies. In a sense--memories are the fabric of who we are.In Buddhist terms--they are the continuity of the soul or the flame that is not yet extinguished.In order to go on--one does not necessarily need reflect on oneself--but what then of growth and identity.If we change so much that we no longer identify ourselves--then we aren't the same person anymore.This is not a bad thing but what is disturbing to me is the absense of deep thought that is shown in the movie. Even moreso than this--is the confusion that takes place when the memory is not functioning.One moment could be blissful while the next is hell. It's like all of the dreams that we have during the night that we can't remember.What of them??? Perhaps all of us humans suffer from amnesia in this way.There is this rich inner life that we are almost completely ignorant of.We may awake with a few scenes or a vague aura of feeling that has just surrounded us--but it's like knowing that something--many things--are there yet we can't grasp them.We get the fuzz off of the outlines of dreams.Maybe some day we get to see the way they are colored in.We become whole. There is a story I read that describes the mystery in life a bit: The actress Lillah McCarthy describes how once she went in great misery to see George Bernard Shaw, just after she had been deserted by her husband: "I was shivering. Shaw sat very still. The fire brought me warmth...How long we sat there I do not know, but presently I found myself walking with dragging steps with Shaw beside me...up and down Adelphi Terrace. The weight upon me grew a little lighter and released the tears which would never come before..He let me cry. Presently I heard a voice in which all the gentleness and tenderness of the world was speaking. It said:"Look up, dear, look up to the heavens. There is more in life than this. There is much more." It is dreadfully easy to get caught up in one's own mind neglecting to acknowledge the vastness of life.It's easy to simplify and to trivialize because we are let down or do not get our way.All I can say for myself is that I have been extremely lucky in this life. I am indebted with gratitude to the heavens or wherever that so far I've been able to get some lessons out of this thing called life and hopefully I'll remain ever open to more--however painful or joy-filled they may be.

Listen...

Listening to Under the Pink right now.I have to be in a special kind of mood for this.Had a long, fairly eventful weekend and this music is kind of like getting back in touch with myself after a jaunt.I'm reading "Memoirs of a Geisha"--excellent so far, written with such simplicity and imagination.It is always a refreshing reminder to read a work of fiction that has a new way of viewing a subject.It helps me to remember that there are so many million differing experiences and interpretations of life.Each of us sees it a such a unique light.I love climbing out of my own sphere of perception for a time to enter another reality.It's not hiding from my own life--it's an expansion of sorts--to listen rather than to talk.You know what's so cool about getting outside of yourself for a while??--coming home can be so lovely.To sit quietly and listen to music with the kitties draped across the room and the stillness that occurs.The quiet knowing that everything is just as it should be and there is always some kind of excitement around the corner to be had.That life is larger than me and yet it isn't.

Today was v...

Today was very busy at work and I have cramps that feel like fifty kittens digging their claws into my abdomen.Wish I felt inspired but I suppose not every day can be one of deep reflection.So I guess I'll default with someone else's words for the moment:"Security is mostly a superstition.It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of humans as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." --Helen Keller--Oh yes--I need to remember this tonight when I go out and have some drinks.Never hold back.Be the full-force you.Sit back and enjoy...

Okay--thi...

Okay--this is a rough one: Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Therefore the master takes action by letting things take their course. She remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. --Tao Te Ching--Hardest fucking lesson I haven't learnt yet. Every time I try to expand my spirit beyond my immediate sphere of worry and doubt--I get caught once again in the net of self. I know intuitively that this information is absolutely true. When are you granted respite??--when it ceases to matter to you anymore. It is hard to apply this lesson to real life.It takes a kind of grace and balance that only comes through loads of experience and even failure.Eventually life comes to a head and you just say "Enough".I have verged this several times but never quite pushed on through.I still have work to do.And here is a followup to that:"When confronted by a human being who impresses us as truly great, should we not be moved rather than chilled by the knowledge that he might have attained his greatness only through his frailties??". --Lou Andreas-Salome--Because I am my absolute most torrential critic--I always try to remind myself that failure is not a bad thing and that immobility is way worse than dissapointment.It's like the saying goes,"the best fertilizer is the farmer's shadow".We have to be involved and committed to making our lives exactly what we wish them to be.We have to take action--get in the driver's seat and out in the sun.We should not be afraid to sweat or get rained on or step in shit.Letting go isn't about passivity.On the contrary--it's about being committed to the truths that we discover in life and to the knowledge that life is ever changing and ever evolving.It's acceptance of what is and then a kind of joyfulness that comes in seeing that we are being given a space in time and in energy with which to work with--to play with and be the master of.Our Life.... I have a friend who is meant to write plays and another who is building schoolhouses in Africa and one more who is going to be a journalist and try to shed light on issues of the world.It all counts.It is all worthy.My goal is to shed the cloak of fear that I carry around with me all of the time.I can't seem to see myself clearly.I am very hard on myself and I waste a lot of time this way.Maybe I do this through writing--it's my own little workbook of mental/spritual equations to work out.Whatever--I just want to have fun and trust that life take me where I must go.And I'll go there awake and ready.

Okay--I'm all s...

Okay--I'm all settled back into my cozy home now--ready to reflect.Listening to a mix that I made--all of my favorite girls:Ivy,Tori,Fiona,Beth....and a few boys:Peter,Dave,Anthony.This particular mix has a sedative effect on my ever-ampimg nerves.It's like a glass of wine and a breath of cool winter air(leafy magical halloween air).Another quote that I have been thinking about: "Whatever you love, you are". -Rumi-This is an excellent one, full of potentiality.Yes--we are drawn to things either because they are already in us or we wish for them to be a part of us.The attraction itself displays some insight or connection into that thing which you love.Ooh I like this thought.Thankyou Rumi!!! I love so many wonderful things--I always want them in my consciousness.Whether it be an awesome dish of Gang Karee from the local Thai restaurant or my favorite song--so many extensions of self can be found on the outside.The wind, the smell of fall, the color of my cheeks when I am flushed, a good bath, a quiet solitary bird or the lizard on the porch.Uncle John's Band by the Grateful Dead is such an uplifting song.I feel like I'm down by the riverside with the gang.It's a song to play only if you are willing to dance around the house like the silly fool that you are and not be so caught up in the angry trivialities of everyday life.And so it is,life is complex.I close with some more words from Rumi: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy,a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and enteratin them all!! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.