Tonight I'm thin...

Tonight I'm thinking about magic. Can it possibly be gone from my life and my thoughts??? I remember as a little girl I surrounded myself with unicorns.My dad used to work at the mall and every once in a while he would bring me a unicorn of some sort.It may be made of pewter, of crystal, of porcelain, of stone.Whatever it was, I cherished each one and they lived together having some sort of dialogue with oneanother as they rested on my dresser. When I look at pictures of myself as a baby--I was always so joyful.I smiled and smiled and smiled.I was always draped across some piece of furniture leisurely or sitting in the yard with my dog Kellie.I can't even remember what it was like to be me then.I don't have many memories of that time.I only start to remember things when they began to be difficult for me.I remember being the shy, timid one amongst friends.I was always afraid that I was stupid or unworthy.My truest memory starts here.Why I felt this way I have no clue.It obviously perpetuated itself because as soon as kids find out that another kid isn't confident--they go straight for the kill. It must have been the way I doubted myself or the bad thoughts I was having.I was so guilt-filled.So when I say where has the magic gone??? I mean where has it been all my life and why can't I find the pure me that existed before it was ever concerned too much with itself or with others.I suppose it's up to me to kindle this within myself.It seems that mostly life is just a mirror of what we are feeling on the inside anyway.Well--I'm tired of being presumptuous and assuming that my life will be barren and painful.It seems that at some point I just accepted this for myself.This is not what I want.I want to be surprised and to not be cut off from enchantment and magic and mystery. Truly life is mysterious.Can any of us say that we can see where the road is headed and mean it??? I will to laugh more, to enjoy more, to be super--duper easy on myself all of the time and to be compassionate towards others. I will to eat sumptuous meals and dance when I want to and not be afraid to fail or to fall.I vow to take risks. I pray that my spirit no longer feel like a deflated tire but be as light as a child's.I will pray for this until I slowly start to feel the weight being lifted from me.I'll do the best I can to lift the weight that I have consciously and sub-consciously thrust upon myself. "There is a story of a man named Nan-jung Chu who went to visit the Taoist sage Lao Tsu in hopes of finding some solution to his worries. When he appeared, Lao Tsu promptly inquired,"Why did you come with all this crowd of people?" The man whirled around in astonishment to see if there was someone standing behind him.Needless to say, there was not; the "crowd of people" that he came with was the baggage of old ideas, the conventional concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, life and death, that he lugged about with him wherever he went" --Chuang Tzu-- This is good.I do cling to the residue of society's impression on me. But what I've noticed lately is that because I am a hyper-analytical sort of person(the kind that can never seem to escape her thoughts)--the best medicine for me is physicality. When I can connect with my body, it takes me outside of my head for a while.This is particularly useful when I am pushing myself to the limits and I am approaching pain.Today I took a long, long bikeride against a very unforgiving off-shore wind. As I was struggling to get over the bridge, I kept reminding myself to take it little by little at my own pace--and I made it.I wasn't thinking about my purpose in life at that moment--I was experiencing life.So maybe the best cure for the thinker is good old fashioned exercise.If you sit in a chair reading books all day long eventually mold is going to start growing all over you.But if you marinate in the sun's energy for a while--your leaves will perk up and start growing upward instead of drooping listlessly.Strike the balance.