Inspi...

Inspired by 7thsomanaut's music survey--gonna make up some of my own questions.1.If you could wake up one morning able to speak any language--which would you choose? Thai2.If you could change your country of origin--which country would you come from? India3.Would you rather meet Jesus or Buddha? Jesus4.Passive revolution or active revolution? active5.Which do you prefer more--the ocean or the mountains? ocean6.In a past life--would you more likely be a bluegrass country mama or an affluent geisha? bluegrass country mama7.If you could talk to any writer--who would you choose? either Nietzsche, Hesse, Dostoevsky, or Thich Naht Hahn8.If you could collaborate with any musician--who would it be? Tori Amos9.Pumpkin or pecan pie? pecan10.What age is your soul? I think I'm still 1511.What color is you spirit? all shades of purple, blue and red12.What animal are you most like? a giant sea tortoise13.What attributes make someone your enemy? misuse of power, disloyalty, dishonesty, energy sucker, arrogance14.What attributes are more likely to bring you closer to someone?honesty, strength, courage of conviction, creative spirit, seeker of truth, fearlessness, loyalty, independence15.How much does your soul weigh? it depends on the time of the year:)16.Earth, water, air or fire? AIR--the wind17.Realistic or conceptual? conceptual18.Do you underline, highlight, or make any kind of marks in the books that you read? yes19.If not--were you taught that books are objects that are not to be tampered with? no--just sources of information20.What is your favorite punctuation mark? the everloving DASH----------------------------------:):)

Okay...

Okay--I admit it, I'm a super-duper loser with whipped cream and a cherry on top.I had a half day today at work and actually watched some of that Dr.Phil show when I got home.I usually don't watch him cause I'm so sick of the trend in America to make life antequated and try to analyze every little thing(plus he comes off as arrogant)--but I did get sucked in long enough to hear this phrase:"How much you trust someone is a function of how much you trust yourself to handle what they may or may not do."Man oh freakin' man--is that true or what????? It's not really about the other person, it's about your own fear of losing them or being hurt by them--your own insecurity.Cause we all know that we can't control another person--and you just never know what's gonna happen in life.As hard as it is to trust yourself sometimes--Lord, it's that much harder to trust someone else.But I think the point here is surrender of control.Either you love the person or you don't.What happens after that is up to the universe to answer.So for me--this means reclaiming the fact on a daily basis that I will survive no matter what happens, no matter who stays or leaves.If I choose to be with someone--it is because I want to, not because I need to or that I'm afraid.You gotta be strong in this life--you have to be your own power source.And be open to what life is trying to tell you.

Listening to the ...

Listening to the new Aimee Mann.She's awesome.When I first heard her many years after Voices Carry--I thought she was a little bland.But she has that effect of slowly and surely seeping into your soul.She makes me feel like leaning back in a comfy recliner and sipping on some good coffee with amaretto cream in it.She has this way of making you confront yourself without being down about it--just a simple confrontation.This weather is making my hair nice and straight.I LUUUUVE IT!!! Normally, I just let it dry back in a hairtie because if it dries when it's down it's always in that in-between curly and straight state.When the weather is cool and without humidity--it stays a lot straighter without much help:):) I know this is silly, but I'm sure some of you girls might know what I mean.So today was that blessed occasion again--LAUNDRY.Don't we just love those mundane tasks that take up so much of our time.Actually I don't mind cause I get to hang with my friend's chihuahua puppy.She is so cute.She is all tiny neck bites and energy for about 30 minutes and then she collapses in the crease of the couch all puppy-tuckered:):)It's the small pleasures that count:)Here's a good poem.It doesn't necessarily transport me--but it centers me.It's difficult to write it down because it's message is so tough to practice sometimes: To have without holdingLearning to love differently is hard,love with the hands wide open, love with the doors banging on their hinges,the cupboard unlocked, the windroaring and whimpering in the roomsrustling the sheets and snapping the blindsthat thwack like rubber bandsin an open palm.It hurts to love wide openstretching the muscles that feelas if they are made of wet plaster,then of blunt knives, thenof sharp knivesIt hurts to thwart the reflexesof grab, clutch, to love and letgo again and again.It pesters to rememberthe lover who is not in the bed,to hold back what is owed to the workthat gutters like a candle in a cavewithout air, to love consciously,conscientiously, concretely, constructively.I can't do it, you say it's killingme, but you thrive, you glowon the street like a neon raspberry,You float and sail, a helium balloonbright bachelor's button blue and bobbingon the cold and hot winds of our breath,as we make and unmake in passionatediastole and systole the rhythmof our unbound bonding, to haveand not to hold, to lovewith minimized malice, hungerand anger moment by moment balanced. --Marge Piercy--"To have and not to hold"--kinda makes you wonder if the concept of marriage as being the union of two souls was ever anything but a big fat cover-up for trying to posess that which you love.I know this could be considered a pessimistic line of thought--but oh well, can you tell me how making it "legal" would deepen the love between two people--or make it stronger??Why not let out actions speak for themselves by being present, by listening, by sticking by eachother, by being honest about who we are and what we need.Blah, blah, and big-blah....who cares!!! No need to get all introspective on a Sunday night:):) Little by little--I'm hoping I'll know more and get more comfortable in my own skin:)

anonymous ke...

anonymous keeper of the fields face tilted away--unimportant keep me too--hide me away in a shady spot as you daily drop your sweat upon the earth so smear your animal scent on me don't neglect my bloom as you have the others come to me meaning nothing hoping nothing dreaming nothing but come to me nonetheless

Found t...

Found this question on a community page called Musicgeeks:If you had to pick 10 songs to be the soundtrack of your life, what songs would you pick??1.Tori Amos--Here in my Head2.Aimee Mann--Cigarettes and Red Vines3.The Sundays--Blind(the whole album)4.October Project--Always5.Jane Siberry--Sail Across the Water6.Moby--Harbour7.Mandalay--Solace(whole album)8.Hooverphonics--don't know the name#59.Cure--Pictures of You10.Mazzy Star--Five String SerenadeThese are actually just some of the first ones that came to mind--there is no way of narrowing down all of the music that is essential to me--there is just soooo much.These are some of my favorites though, and most of them signify a particular time in my life that is memorable:):) It almost hurts to see them all together.

Open all the windows and air out your soul!!!!

Yes--today has won the prize for the nicest weather that this year has seen thus far.It's cool and witchy--with a mild breeze.I have actually unplugged the allergy apparatus(a.k.a.wall unit)and cleared the hatches:):):) All of a sudden--life is noisier and a tad friskier.When you're used to the house being shut up all tight most of the year, it's always surprising how much life there is outside.Now I can hear the kids playing in the street, the cars passing by, and the churchbells around the corner.I can hear insects and the wind and people riding their bikes.I hear the neighbors out in their yard adjusting this or that and the sprinkler systems switching on.I hear the cats chasing lizards and the scuffles they get into with local alleycats.Wow--it's not just me on this little old street:):)I wish I lived in the days of long wrap around porches and friendly visits.People are so isolated nowadays.They live barracaded lives. "I choose to put this person close to me and no one else because you just can't trust people". "I don't have time for lots of friends". "I don't want to be bothered".People say these freakin' things to themselves all the day long.But we are really missing out.First off-a porch provides a place of meditation.To sit after a long day of work and just be.To LISTEN....to the noises of the evening.To have a nice cup of wild orange tea:) To pet the dog.To sway in the rocker.To snap peas:)And to talk to those you love about life and what you think of when you look at the stars. It's the good old country life. It's the stuff bluegrass dreams are made of. And it could be life in the present busy day too--if we carved a space for it in our lives--in our imaginations.If we would just allow our minds to downshift(even if only for a spell).This makes me think of an old saying I heard once:Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. --unknown source--It's like taking a bath.One of my favorite things in the world to do.Nothing soothes me like a bath.To listen to the water pounding the porcelain--and forget yourself.To linger on each of your parts as you wash yourself clean--wash away the day.An arm..a hand..look down at the length of your body..the smoothness of your flesh and the sweet smell of your hair.Your toes all shriveled up.Rest your head back.Light a candle.Just be your body for a little while.If I ever have my own house.The two most fundamental features it will have will be--a porch, and a great tub.This is the basis of any great, comfortable pro-life home.And I don't mean pro-life in any abortion related kinda way:):) I've always been so fascinated with houses/homes.Whenever I'm driving down a street that is new to me...I always like to imagine who might live inside each house by looking at the outside of the house.But aren't houses like the cover of books??? You can't always tell what's on the inside by looking at the exterior(or the physical shape that the book is in).Only when you enter do you know.So it seems very crucial that we work towards breaking down barriers to trust.Because if we allow ourselves not solely to judge, but also to enter--we may be surprised, we WILL be surprised.People are good at keeping secrets.Like how interesting they are.They could be a good little worker bee all day long--appearing dull and sheeplike, but go into their houses and a different story may unfold.The quilts they are sewing...the books they are writing--the ways in which their little souls are about to explode but for that one hidden thing where their real passion lies.They have been taught over the years that this thing is not of as great of importance as making a living or appearing sociable.It is hidden in their house--a metaphor for their soul.Not everyone of course--there are many brave people out there who choose to put themselves outside of their comfort zone all the time.Those who are unafraid to be exposed and who are proud of the work they are doing.But we already see these people--it would be nice to awaken the hidden treasures too.I always look at the most run-down, dumpiest of places and think--I bet a genious lives in there.Something great is being created inside there.Because the truest art comes from searching, from challenge, from adversity, from the growth that arises only through imperfection--which is forced upon those who don't have as much materially as others.Someone who lives in a house like that might have to learn their lessons quicker and harder.Might not.So take your soulwork outside of your house and put it into your life where everyone can see it.Cause people aren't always willing to knock on your door and seek you out.People deserve to share these things with eachother.They are entitled to guilt free self-expression, solitude.....and companionship:):):).

Today was good....

Today was good.Called in sick which is something I rarely do.Felt nice and mischevious about it too.Listening to Jimmy Eat World right now.It's funny cause it's such a trendy album for me to buy but the music is really fun and catchy nonetheless.Who cares about all that cool bullshit anyway??? All that matters is if the music scoots your caboose or not!!! Well my caboose ate a lot today and generally did a whole lot of nothing.I did come to one very welcome conclusion about my work life though--I'm not going to do anything I don't want to based on social or monetary pressures.As of late I have been feeling very compressed by the weight of all of my bills and the fact that I don't make much money in my job and it is something that I don't really agree with anyway.Now I know that one cannot live off of ideals and eat their ethics for breakfast, but you just know when something doesn't feel right in your soul. I have been out of balance because of this--yet, it is not worth going to nursing school so I can make more money and do another job that my heart's really not in.So the conclusion for the moment is to stick with what works--and build on it slowly.This entails taking some courses of interest at the local community college and maybe along the way it will spurr some ideas for me.Just to keep everything moving along and not too ruttish.That is not what I wish my life to be.If I must be poor(cause this god-forsaken town sure isn't paying), then at least let my mind not atrophy in the process. I haven't met many motivated individuals in this town.I have a few friends who I consider precious jewels amidst a bunch of dullards here--but few and far between.It's very different transitioning from a university town to a retirement/surfing community.Strange combo I know.You either get Myrtle on the ventilator, or Shane High as a kite--oh and let's not forget, 50 year old Rhonda who dances to classic rock at the Tav.That's about all there is to it folks.And the art community is so old and rich and uptight.It's not really about art--it's just politics.Whah, whah--I know...stop my whining--but sometimes you just have to go on a little in order to exorcise those demons:):):). Put up some Halloween decorations tonight.Love to have the ghosts and the goblins and the candy-corn candles out.It just brings such a fun, magical air to the house.I can definitely smell fall in the air now.It will still take more time, but it's on it's way.Can't wait for the leaves to start rustling and the quiet walks at night.The porch is already a more pleasant place to reside upon.I want to make pumpkin pie and carve some jack-o-lanterns with K. It's quite the tradition now.There are going to be some shows to go to and a friend is having a party.Oh--I get to paint my face something crazy:):)WHEEEEEEE!!!

I just lo...

I just love modern dance.I miss being near the university where I could go and see the dance students perform all of the time.Students are the best because they are not molded into one particular style yet.Most are wide open for their own expression/interpretation of emotion until too many outside forces and influences posess them and start to make them into robots. The purity of the novice is a hard thing to match. The enthusiasm that accompanies this mindset I think is usually lost until an art is so finely honed that it again becomes pure energy and inspiration.When the technicality of anything creative(art, dance, music)is mastered--then it can be placed in the background and expression comes to the forefront.It looks like the creation came with such ease.But behind this facade is so much work and even banality at times.Modern dance appears to be very free and whimsical--but in all truth, it has a very strong, highly-trained ballet core.Loads of discipline and effort go into the technical aspect of the movement. I always have to work for mine.Very rarely does it flow effortlessly from me.In writing--it's a bit easier, but with music I really have to coax it out of myself.It is a matter of courage sometimes.To be willing to sound shitty for the sake of possibly finding your voice through it.It is a sacrifice of perfectionistic thinking--which I am definitely prone to.To shed this static egotism--to allow yourself(or the idea of a perfect you) to die in a sense in order for something new and better to be born.Isn't that what having an open mind is all about too?? It is the willingness to let something or someone change your mind--allowing yourself to be altered and possibly surpass yourself.Part of this train of thought is coming from some Nietzsche that I read recently.The idea of the ubermensch(overman)--the man who wants to overcome himself for something better.To make mankind better.This is not self--destruction--but rather, a joyful affirmation that growth is life's ultimate purpose--not freezing your soul and saving it for later(unaltered). In any case--it's awesome that we have the arts to turn to.Otherwise--HOW COULD OUR SOULS BREATHE--with as much eating , sleeping, driving, shitting, fucking, fighting, following,working, and talking as we partake in..(interesting combo I chose..I know).There is enough surviving going on in this life...now we need to learn to live with purpose and drive.To see something in a different light.Once again--to be surprised.To not know everything.To be humble.

Sitt...

Sitting here thinking about the fact that this is the beginning of yet another week.I really need some Ben and Jerry's or something.Or some good Thai food--chicken gang karee!!!!:):)Feeling very unmotivated right now.My guitar is calling to me,"Be creative....come touch me...come play..." and all I can do is stare like a dummy.I guess there must be hibernation sometimes in order for the energy bursts to be fruitful, right??? Sometimes maybe I expect too much out of life.I took this quiz from the Dalai Lama and basically it said that these things in my life came in this order:1.pride 2.family 3.career 4.love 5.money.The only thing that is true for sure is the money thing.Just don't care about it.Of course I like to be self-sufficient and all.I like to have the freedom to have my own place and travel when I want to--but material things just don't matter much.I would give just about anything away if a good friend wanted it.The pride thing trips me up though.I suppose I can be self-centered sometimes, but usually I'll admit it if I'm wrong about something.So what is the most important thing in life??? Some would say family.Some would say religion.Some would say creativity.Self-realization.Spirit.Truth. Who really knows.I suppose it's not static.So because I'm a drip tonight I'll resort to an excellent quote:"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." --E.M.Forster--

You know what??? ...

You know what??? Fucking boy--girl shit sucks!!! I'm so tired of thinking in terms of relationships with the opposite sex(whether they be sexual,desiring sexual,imbalance of like and love--whatever).Boring.This is the time for me to empty my thoughts of what could or couldn't be,what has been or what will be.What a waste of time.Most of it's ego--driven anyway.She has him and he was mine.Why does she act like that--doesn't she care about me???Whatever--it's all in your head.The other person probably doesn't have a freakin clue or what's worse--may have one, and just doesn't care.Now is the time to let go and GO be with yourself make peace with life.

"Ideals are...

"Ideals are reflections of our deeply religious nature.But, as we know, ideals can be poison if we take them in large quantities or if we take them incorrectly;in other words, if we take them not as ideals, but as concrete realities.Ideals should inspire us to surpass ourselves, which we need to aspire to do if we are to be truly human, and which we can never actually do because we are truly human. Ideals are tools for inspiration, not realities in themselves.The fact that we have so often missed this point accounts for the sorry history of religion in human civilization...If rightly understood, ideals make us lighthearted and give a sense of direction." --Zen Abbot Norman Fischer-- So it seems that there is no such thing as concrete reality.We grasp for this stability in life--but that which we seek would prove to leave us stagnant and immobilized if received.The only reality that seems to be infallible is the law of change.There is nothing that I know of in life that doesn't change.Now there are people, places, and things that appear to be immovable--but the subtlety of transformation still exists-even if on a slow as molassas evolutionary basis:):) This is why ideals too must evolve.They cannot be stationary against the background of a growing world.Whether the growth is up or down,inward or outward,backwards or forwards--still there is constant change.This can be considered in a morally neutral manner.It is just something that we can observe from our own existense. And so the point remains that growth must be the objective.Creativity and openness must be the goal.Willingness to let go of control and let the current of experience lead you where it may.And a joi de vivre:):):):) No preconceptions of what we should or should not be.No boxing in of the spirit.Just freedom to live and to understand better each moment."Only the shallow know themselves" --Oscar Wilde--This is an interesting thought.Never considered self-knowledge a sign of obtuseness.But the quote is discussing "closing the case" on who you are.This is a shallow thing to do.To believe that you have it all figured out and once again that you are something "concrete" in which to be figured out in the first place.No--the process will not cease.We only know what we know of ourselves today and tomorrow will bring us another gift of insight.So it seems a fluid mind is the best kind of weapon for living a life of depth.

Here's a good on...

Here's a good one:When death comeslike the hungry bear in autumn;when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purseto buy me, and snaps the purse shut....I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood...and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular...and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.When it's over, I want to say:all my lifeI was a bride married to amazement.I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms..... --Mary Oliver-- I just love this one because it suggests that we replace our fear with wonder. Instead of imagining how terrible we think death might be--we may open our minds to being surprised.We open ourselves to the unknown and the notion that curiosity is the stuff that courage is made of.If you go into a situation with a presupposed thought of what it will be then that forms a self-fulfilling prophecy--but to allow yourself to see what happens along the way,without all of the judgement and arrogance that comes with assumption--that is the way to be.No wasting of precious time--only open hands that are willing to receive the balance of experiences that life offers. It's also nice to picture myself as a simple daisy amongst many daisies looking to oneanother with smiles on our faces and crinkles in our eyes.We are not alone--although we like to believe that we are all of the time.I think it makes a person feel special and validated to think that they are not understood or that their pain is unique to humanity.Well--keep on dreaming, dreamer....this is a great way to be disconnected.Not to say that each of us doesn't experience things that are unique to our spirit--simply to say that no one is of more intrinsic worth than anyone else--and pain is pain.I like this thought.It gives me the power of my own identity and at the same time is expansive because it connects me to other life(animal and vegetal too:):)

Feel groggy ...

Feel groggy as hell.Went out last night and stayed out very late--today I have been pretty worthless.It is so hot outside--there is no way I see myself getting around sweating my ass off in my non-airconditioned car.Listening to Mandalay--kind of weepy but so pretty and soothing.Music for me lately has been like the embrace of a loved one. Guess I have nothing too deep to say at the moment.Lack of momentum!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well--I suppose there must be dormant days too:)

You k...

You know you're an alcoholic.....when you're drinking champagne alone and really fucking enjoying it!!!!! Oh my God--I'm listening to Manou Chao with candles lit and I just feel oh so grooovy....This is really sad--I just read what I wrote above and I had to correct like five typing errors in only two sentences:):):)So I was like, remembering a New Year's Eve party a few years ago...and I was like, Wow--that champagne stuff is really fun, and then I thought to myself---why don't you like, go to the store or something and buy some of that wicked shit....J/KAnd here I am typing on my lonely computer and it's okay--in fact, it's reallllly fun right now.So at this party I remember being with my friend Sallee amongst a bunch of art--fags who I didn't know and were way too pretentious at that.Well I was super uncomfortable and I decided I would have a little baby glass of wine. Well of course I had like three little bambinos instead--and then I blacked out for a while.I woke to find myself dancing in the kitchen to a James Brown collection that just must have been on repeat.I danced all night by myself and I had the best damn time you could imagine.People came and they went--dancing and feeling the vibe too--but that night it stayed by my side for a long while and I just went where it lead.And so tonight I almost wish I had some James here in my little living room.But Manou Chao will definitely do.It is the funnest music ever--a big Latino Francoise party on the rooftops of Spain or Paris or wherever the hell.Today I spent some time considering going into the nursing business:):).I guess they have these contracts that you can sign and if you promise to work in a particular hospital for a few years they will pay for your schooling.Well what's the damn difference between committing myself to a hospital job for two years and working the god-damn awful job I'm in now(scandalous as hell) for a near two years. Once it's over with I can be a nurse in Australia or africa or wherever the hell I want.They pay you to travel where they need you and put you up in condos and everything else.The only roadblock would be my kitties--but I'm sure mommy would watch them for a few months.I wish I was in fucking Jamaica right now--drunk swimming in a waterfall fucking some beautiful specimen.Yah!!!!! Or salsa dancing in Brazil at Carnival.....Or doing the tango in Argentina.....or laying on some cold kitchen floor tiles....or sitting in the claw--foot bath tub that I don't have with some Jasmine thrown in....or getting my face painted like a clown.my fingers want to dance right now.typing has become a recital of sorts.....I bought these two belts today.One is red and has all of these different colored threads in it--it looks awesome with frayed blue jeans--sooo layed back:):):) So Mexicano....Tres Chic...Anyway--Idon't normally wear belts..but I never realized how much they can fucking make an outfit.You can dress so minimally if you only have the proper belt.Why didn't my girlfriends enlighten me on this issue before????What is wrong with those crazy girls????This entry I'm sure is very silllly--but oh well,what the helllla.I really feel like I should be in a parade right now with some outrageous mask on.I want to be a sexy incognito and just fucking lead on a bunch of rancheros--whatever the hell that means.My hair smells like coconut allover.Yummy--I keep getting whiffs of myself and it's lovely.Wish I was getting whiffs of Patchouli right now:):)My life is good.I have been protected and granted so many freakin blessings.There is no excuse for the sadness that I have felt in my life.Maybe I just lost the focus.The focus is that I need to take advantage of this time that I am given.Why don't we fucking take advantage of it instead of whinining about what we don't have.HUH?????????????????????????????????????????????????????It seems like everybody is stuck inside of their own self-concocted unreal world where they were let down or didn't have their way or blah de blah de blah.But who the hell cares--why don't we just fucking enjoyyyy....I could be some old woman in a nursing home right now being neglected with bed-sores and smelling of rottenness..my brain gone..no cognizance of who I was in this life.I could be a christian who night after night prays for release from this hell of a world..who prays to be killed and given heaven. But I am a young vital woman with a healthy--ass body and s fucking sharp mind and peolple who love me and I'm alive and I know who I am and I'm like a tiger lingering behind the brush.....waiting for something to attach my passion to. When I do...watch out world--cause I'm too damn lucky to squander this chance.These words are my way of praying.I need to pray more often--as un-cool as that may sound.But fuck that-- it's not about God or church or establishment or corrupt catholic priests--it's about feeling grateful for having been given the SPARK SPARK SPARK which is life.No fucking more and no the fuck less.I am here and so are you and you and you.We are here--let's use it.Let's do it and I don't mean in the Nike sort of way:):):)Now it's time to change the music.I can see that the computer is going to be my companion tonight.What a modern companion I have.So I'm glad that I'm single and free. The world is my god-damned oyster, you know.I have no attachment to speak of.DETOUR------I feel very tactile right now.WISH I COULD TOUCH SOMEONE.Someone in particular--the one that rocks my tiny little world. The one who tells the hurtful truth.My present inspiration......I'm all lit up with nowhere to go.So I guess I'll go INSIDE. SOOOO cheesy, I know.I'm such a corny damn girl.I can't help my damn self.I love to laugh and be dorky.Dorkiness is rebellion.What does everyone try so hard to remain...take a guess?????.....CONTAINED.CONTAINED....don't let anyone see who you REALLY are.God for fucking bid:):):) Myself included of course.But that is why silliness is so fun....it is rebellion.Laughter is a "Fuck You" of sorts, isn't it.So now I'm listening to Belly.It thinking of my friend who says that this album reminds her of her past.It's a great album--very passionate.She says that she doesn't trust easily.Too bad.Too bad that we all don't trust easily.Give eachother credit and be kind to oneanother instead of jealous and confused and skeptical.Why can't we all just be high on Champagne all of the time???:):)I miss loving someone and being loved back.I don't miss being an object of possession but I miss the love.As long as it's not fear.When it's pure and when it's good.It's soooo good.But I guess I need to love myself like that instead of waiting for someone outside of myself to fill the void.MUSIC is all that matters.Soon I will retire from this mental endeavor and sing my fucj=king hearrt out.Music can be so heartbreaking in such a fucking awesome way.To feel fully....to let go...to be involved in pure emotion.My thoughts went from light to heavy in the change of a CD.Oh..Gepetto is here...more lightness.Miss everyone...miss myself sometimes.... Out the window backwords.....

Tonight I'm thin...

Tonight I'm thinking about magic. Can it possibly be gone from my life and my thoughts??? I remember as a little girl I surrounded myself with unicorns.My dad used to work at the mall and every once in a while he would bring me a unicorn of some sort.It may be made of pewter, of crystal, of porcelain, of stone.Whatever it was, I cherished each one and they lived together having some sort of dialogue with oneanother as they rested on my dresser. When I look at pictures of myself as a baby--I was always so joyful.I smiled and smiled and smiled.I was always draped across some piece of furniture leisurely or sitting in the yard with my dog Kellie.I can't even remember what it was like to be me then.I don't have many memories of that time.I only start to remember things when they began to be difficult for me.I remember being the shy, timid one amongst friends.I was always afraid that I was stupid or unworthy.My truest memory starts here.Why I felt this way I have no clue.It obviously perpetuated itself because as soon as kids find out that another kid isn't confident--they go straight for the kill. It must have been the way I doubted myself or the bad thoughts I was having.I was so guilt-filled.So when I say where has the magic gone??? I mean where has it been all my life and why can't I find the pure me that existed before it was ever concerned too much with itself or with others.I suppose it's up to me to kindle this within myself.It seems that mostly life is just a mirror of what we are feeling on the inside anyway.Well--I'm tired of being presumptuous and assuming that my life will be barren and painful.It seems that at some point I just accepted this for myself.This is not what I want.I want to be surprised and to not be cut off from enchantment and magic and mystery. Truly life is mysterious.Can any of us say that we can see where the road is headed and mean it??? I will to laugh more, to enjoy more, to be super--duper easy on myself all of the time and to be compassionate towards others. I will to eat sumptuous meals and dance when I want to and not be afraid to fail or to fall.I vow to take risks. I pray that my spirit no longer feel like a deflated tire but be as light as a child's.I will pray for this until I slowly start to feel the weight being lifted from me.I'll do the best I can to lift the weight that I have consciously and sub-consciously thrust upon myself. "There is a story of a man named Nan-jung Chu who went to visit the Taoist sage Lao Tsu in hopes of finding some solution to his worries. When he appeared, Lao Tsu promptly inquired,"Why did you come with all this crowd of people?" The man whirled around in astonishment to see if there was someone standing behind him.Needless to say, there was not; the "crowd of people" that he came with was the baggage of old ideas, the conventional concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, life and death, that he lugged about with him wherever he went" --Chuang Tzu-- This is good.I do cling to the residue of society's impression on me. But what I've noticed lately is that because I am a hyper-analytical sort of person(the kind that can never seem to escape her thoughts)--the best medicine for me is physicality. When I can connect with my body, it takes me outside of my head for a while.This is particularly useful when I am pushing myself to the limits and I am approaching pain.Today I took a long, long bikeride against a very unforgiving off-shore wind. As I was struggling to get over the bridge, I kept reminding myself to take it little by little at my own pace--and I made it.I wasn't thinking about my purpose in life at that moment--I was experiencing life.So maybe the best cure for the thinker is good old fashioned exercise.If you sit in a chair reading books all day long eventually mold is going to start growing all over you.But if you marinate in the sun's energy for a while--your leaves will perk up and start growing upward instead of drooping listlessly.Strike the balance.

Watched the m...

Watched the movie "Iris" tonight.It is about a successful female novelist who devotes her life to ideas and language but in older age develops alsheimer's disease.The movie shows the slow deterioration of her mind up to the point where she has no lucidity at all.It is a very good movie for people in general to see I think because it makes you confront existence on a number of different levels. First off--I have never seen this happen to someone up close.My grandmother is at the beginning stages but she lives far away and when I talk to her she is still pretty clear--she just is more forgetful than usual.It was truly unbelievable how progressively Iris became a blank slate.Once she had so much life force and passion and then she becomes someone who stares at walls and is unable to make a single correlation between anything.It made me wonder where the soul lies.It was like her soul was taken from her yet her body was still alive and well.Are we simply our brains??? I don't like to believe this is true but what then of consciousness??? Did she go to another place??? This movie has definitely made me question where the spirit lies. In a sense--memories are the fabric of who we are.In Buddhist terms--they are the continuity of the soul or the flame that is not yet extinguished.In order to go on--one does not necessarily need reflect on oneself--but what then of growth and identity.If we change so much that we no longer identify ourselves--then we aren't the same person anymore.This is not a bad thing but what is disturbing to me is the absense of deep thought that is shown in the movie. Even moreso than this--is the confusion that takes place when the memory is not functioning.One moment could be blissful while the next is hell. It's like all of the dreams that we have during the night that we can't remember.What of them??? Perhaps all of us humans suffer from amnesia in this way.There is this rich inner life that we are almost completely ignorant of.We may awake with a few scenes or a vague aura of feeling that has just surrounded us--but it's like knowing that something--many things--are there yet we can't grasp them.We get the fuzz off of the outlines of dreams.Maybe some day we get to see the way they are colored in.We become whole. There is a story I read that describes the mystery in life a bit: The actress Lillah McCarthy describes how once she went in great misery to see George Bernard Shaw, just after she had been deserted by her husband: "I was shivering. Shaw sat very still. The fire brought me warmth...How long we sat there I do not know, but presently I found myself walking with dragging steps with Shaw beside me...up and down Adelphi Terrace. The weight upon me grew a little lighter and released the tears which would never come before..He let me cry. Presently I heard a voice in which all the gentleness and tenderness of the world was speaking. It said:"Look up, dear, look up to the heavens. There is more in life than this. There is much more." It is dreadfully easy to get caught up in one's own mind neglecting to acknowledge the vastness of life.It's easy to simplify and to trivialize because we are let down or do not get our way.All I can say for myself is that I have been extremely lucky in this life. I am indebted with gratitude to the heavens or wherever that so far I've been able to get some lessons out of this thing called life and hopefully I'll remain ever open to more--however painful or joy-filled they may be.

Listen...

Listening to Under the Pink right now.I have to be in a special kind of mood for this.Had a long, fairly eventful weekend and this music is kind of like getting back in touch with myself after a jaunt.I'm reading "Memoirs of a Geisha"--excellent so far, written with such simplicity and imagination.It is always a refreshing reminder to read a work of fiction that has a new way of viewing a subject.It helps me to remember that there are so many million differing experiences and interpretations of life.Each of us sees it a such a unique light.I love climbing out of my own sphere of perception for a time to enter another reality.It's not hiding from my own life--it's an expansion of sorts--to listen rather than to talk.You know what's so cool about getting outside of yourself for a while??--coming home can be so lovely.To sit quietly and listen to music with the kitties draped across the room and the stillness that occurs.The quiet knowing that everything is just as it should be and there is always some kind of excitement around the corner to be had.That life is larger than me and yet it isn't.

Today was v...

Today was very busy at work and I have cramps that feel like fifty kittens digging their claws into my abdomen.Wish I felt inspired but I suppose not every day can be one of deep reflection.So I guess I'll default with someone else's words for the moment:"Security is mostly a superstition.It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of humans as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." --Helen Keller--Oh yes--I need to remember this tonight when I go out and have some drinks.Never hold back.Be the full-force you.Sit back and enjoy...

Okay--thi...

Okay--this is a rough one: Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Therefore the master takes action by letting things take their course. She remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. --Tao Te Ching--Hardest fucking lesson I haven't learnt yet. Every time I try to expand my spirit beyond my immediate sphere of worry and doubt--I get caught once again in the net of self. I know intuitively that this information is absolutely true. When are you granted respite??--when it ceases to matter to you anymore. It is hard to apply this lesson to real life.It takes a kind of grace and balance that only comes through loads of experience and even failure.Eventually life comes to a head and you just say "Enough".I have verged this several times but never quite pushed on through.I still have work to do.And here is a followup to that:"When confronted by a human being who impresses us as truly great, should we not be moved rather than chilled by the knowledge that he might have attained his greatness only through his frailties??". --Lou Andreas-Salome--Because I am my absolute most torrential critic--I always try to remind myself that failure is not a bad thing and that immobility is way worse than dissapointment.It's like the saying goes,"the best fertilizer is the farmer's shadow".We have to be involved and committed to making our lives exactly what we wish them to be.We have to take action--get in the driver's seat and out in the sun.We should not be afraid to sweat or get rained on or step in shit.Letting go isn't about passivity.On the contrary--it's about being committed to the truths that we discover in life and to the knowledge that life is ever changing and ever evolving.It's acceptance of what is and then a kind of joyfulness that comes in seeing that we are being given a space in time and in energy with which to work with--to play with and be the master of.Our Life.... I have a friend who is meant to write plays and another who is building schoolhouses in Africa and one more who is going to be a journalist and try to shed light on issues of the world.It all counts.It is all worthy.My goal is to shed the cloak of fear that I carry around with me all of the time.I can't seem to see myself clearly.I am very hard on myself and I waste a lot of time this way.Maybe I do this through writing--it's my own little workbook of mental/spritual equations to work out.Whatever--I just want to have fun and trust that life take me where I must go.And I'll go there awake and ready.

Okay--I'm all s...

Okay--I'm all settled back into my cozy home now--ready to reflect.Listening to a mix that I made--all of my favorite girls:Ivy,Tori,Fiona,Beth....and a few boys:Peter,Dave,Anthony.This particular mix has a sedative effect on my ever-ampimg nerves.It's like a glass of wine and a breath of cool winter air(leafy magical halloween air).Another quote that I have been thinking about: "Whatever you love, you are". -Rumi-This is an excellent one, full of potentiality.Yes--we are drawn to things either because they are already in us or we wish for them to be a part of us.The attraction itself displays some insight or connection into that thing which you love.Ooh I like this thought.Thankyou Rumi!!! I love so many wonderful things--I always want them in my consciousness.Whether it be an awesome dish of Gang Karee from the local Thai restaurant or my favorite song--so many extensions of self can be found on the outside.The wind, the smell of fall, the color of my cheeks when I am flushed, a good bath, a quiet solitary bird or the lizard on the porch.Uncle John's Band by the Grateful Dead is such an uplifting song.I feel like I'm down by the riverside with the gang.It's a song to play only if you are willing to dance around the house like the silly fool that you are and not be so caught up in the angry trivialities of everyday life.And so it is,life is complex.I close with some more words from Rumi: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy,a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and enteratin them all!! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

langsam

On my way out the door.No time for lengthiness now.Thought of the day: "When someone PISSES on you, don't call it rain". --Yiddish ProverbFour words to describe me right now: OPEN, UNREQUITED, CONTRADICTORY, SEARCHING.